“I’ve gone back to my roots.”

Nowadays when people say that, it means there’s usually a banjo involved. Or even worse: ‘authenticity’…

Don’t worry ladies and gentlemen. There’ll be none of that carry-on here.

I’ve spent the last 6 months channelling my teenage years spent dancing in alcohol-free all-ages discos in the church halls of outer suburban Melbourne. To the sound of that pigeon-toed guy with the side-parted ‘fro from Boney M going: ‘she loves you Daddy’. And now I’ve got a new project.

It’s called Damian Cowell’s Disco Machine.

It’s me, so you know it’s going to be a little weird. And besides, it shouldn’t come as a shock to you. I’ve been making disco records most of my career: ‘Saturday Night Palsy’ anyone?

So here’s what I want to do: I want to make the ultimate ‘put you in a good mood’ album. I want to make an album that makes you want to set aside all that ‘proper’ music and make a complete dag of yourself.

But I need your help.

No-one writes the kind of weird shit that I do. But to play it, I need a cast of thousands. I’ve lined up some extremely talented (and good looking) people. When I play them my songs, they keep giggling. I don’t know if this is a good thing.

But whatever the case, with your help, I can put this thing together, mix it so that it rocks like a Blue Light Disco, put it in a nice cover, and launch it live.

If you pledge to my strange little project, I can promise heaps of bonus stuff.

And one more thing: if you pledge, I promise to ask Dannii Minogue if she’ll be on it.

Two drummers… three singers… three guitarists… two bassists… two keyboard players… string quartet… how am I going to get them all to turn up to rehearsals?

What have I done?